World Cup Debrief: The Forty who are out

With this off day from the World Cup, we give our debriefs for the forty teams no longer part of this World Cup. We will go from Groups A to L and then who went out in the Round of 32 (in bracket order) and then the Round of 16 (in bracket order) and whether that team’s World Cup could be judged as a success, a bust, or meh.

SOUTH KOREA: Followed a win over Czechia with passive play for the next two matches and got deserved results. Hong Myung-bo got banned from restaurants in LA. Second verse same as the first. BUST!

CZECHIA: Blowing a lead against South Korea and then a draw against South Africa, followed by a predictable result against Mexico. They beat Denmark and Republic of Ireland on penalties to qualify just to do that. BUST!

QATAR: At least they got a point this time? Yay? Asian Cup titles have yet to translate to success on the bigger stage. BUST!

SCOTLAND: Turned Boston into the Glasgow of the East, but then headed back East after tougher competition in Morocco and Brazil. Scotland advancing to the knockout stages is equal to the US Men winning the World Cup as to whether either will happen in everyone’s lifetime. BUST!

HAITI: May they get to have a home match once again. They played everyone tough. They pegged both Honduras and Costa Rica to get here. SUCCESS!

TURKIYE: Made people who thought they would top the group look like (pun intended) turkeys. They win over the US and five bucks gets you a cup of coffee at Starbucks. BUST!

CURACAO: The Dutch’s second team in this competition at least made Germany sweat for 20 minutes and then got a point against Ecuador. Smallest nation ever in the tournament, but played with a lot of heart. SUCCESS!

TUNISIA: The only African side to not make the Round of 32. They also could not defend. That is all I can say about them. BUST!

IRAN: Winner of the hard luck award for this World Cup. The circumstances they had to play under were excruciating and their elimination was as well. Can’t really give a mark here. N/A

NEW ZEALAND: They looked to repeat or better their performance from 2010. Instead, they forgot how to defend. BUST!

URUGUAY: Drew twice and lost to Spain. What else can I say? BUST!

SAUDI ARABIA: Drew twice and lost to Spain. What else can I say? BUST!

IRAQ: Will be ranked 48th due to scoring one less than Tunisia with goals shipped identical. Their biggest contributions were to “When Playing the Ball Out of the Back Goes Wrong”. BUST!

JORDAN: At least they scored in each of their three matches. They were just outclassed in this group. MEH.

UZBEKISTAN: Like Jordan, were a minnow in a lake with three much larger fish. The White Wolves were green as grass. MEH.

PANAMA: The only one of 48 teams to not score at this World Cup. At least they only allowed four? BUST!

GERMANY: You finally get out of the group stage just to do that? Against Paraguay?! BUST!

SWEDEN: Qualified through the back door of Nations League performance, followed a 5-1 thrashing of Tunisia with a 5-1 thrashing by Netherlands, drew Japan, and then quietly went down to France. Not the saddest Saab story. MEH.

SOUTH AFRICA: Did well to get to this stage and were hit by a late goal against Canada. Chicago Fire fans are still blessing their luck they still have Mbekezeli Mbokazi. SUCCESS!

NETHERLANDS: Their fans brought a terrific atmosphere wherever they went and they played very well in the group stage. Yet, none of that prevents yet another implosion in the knockouts. BUST!

CROATIA: It was asking too much of this team to emulate the last two World Cups. The magic ran out in Toronto. MEH.

AUSTRIA: After realizing Algeria were about to screw them in Kansas City, they hit a late equalizer to save their spot in the Round of 32. Which was for the right to lose to Spain. MEH.

BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA: Did well to draw the hosts and put behind a thrashing by the Swiss to beat Qatar, but then ran into a red, white, and blue buzzsaw. MEH.

SENEGAL: Only third place team to advance on three points (they did play France and Norway). Had Belgium on the ropes, but let them off the hook. At least they didn’t storm off the pitch this time after a late penalty? BUST!

JAPAN: They were hoping to at least go to the quarterfinals. They are the best team from Asian, but they also need to learn how to keep leads in the knockout stages. BUST!

IVORY COAST: Heartbreak against Germany and then heartbreak against Norway in the Round of 32. One of nine African teams to make the Round of 32, but were sunk by Earling Haaland. MEH.

ECUADOR: Got a famous win over Germany (albeit the Germans were already through to the Round of 32). But next time, maybe take steps to ensure your players get a good night’s sleep before the big match. MEH.

DR CONGO: Much like how Ivory Coast were sunk by Haaland, the Leopards were sunk by Harry Kane. That said, for a first World Cup in 50 years, they did well to make the knockouts. SUCCESS!

CAPE VERDE: The Blue Sharks made a lot of history and won a lot of friends the world over for how the played against Spain, Uruguay, and Argentina. The smallest nation to make the knockouts had the largest heart. SUCCESS!

AUSTRALIA: You can’t help but feel all the momentum of the win against Turkiye was undone by the bold strategies employed by Tony Popovic afterwards. We saw that it didn’t pay off for the Socceroos. BUST!

ALGERIA: Well played by pretending to kick the ball around before attempting to screw Austria out of a spot in the Round of 32. It almost worked. Then again, they could have lost by more to Spain than they did to Switzerland. Still, they did well to advance. SUCCESS!

GHANA: Gave England and Croatia tough tests, but then had nothing for Colombia–becoming the seventh African aide to crash out at this stage. MEH.

CANADA: In the end, they lacked the finishing touch that Morocco had. However, they did very well to get to a stage few expected them to–especially with Alphonso Davies not at 100% and Kone injured against Qatar. They have come a long way from the time they didn’t even make the final round of Concacaf qualifying. I’m proud of them. SUCCESS!

PARAGUAY: You know how somebody looks on course to have a good grade on a paper and then finishes with a plethora of deductions to that score? That was Paraguay against France. MEH.

BRAZIL: Vinicius Jr was leading a team that was an unremarkable as any Brazil team we had seen. Conversely, Earling Haaland is leading a more remarkable team in Norway. This result felt inevitable. BUST!

MEXICO: Mexico were hoping to ride their home field advantage to the quarterfinals, but they could not overcome a determined England side. At least Javier Aguirre had a better repeat stint than Hong Myung-bo did. MEH.

PORTUGAL: Speaking of teams overly reliant on their superstars, it’s time to build Portugal around Bruno Fernandes. MEH.

USA: After riding lots of momentum from the first four matches (Turkiye loss not withstanding), they had their worst match at the worst time. (Now I have to listen to Roger Bennett blubber about the USMNT for the next few months at least.) Need to learn to create diamonds with all the pressure. MEH.

EGYPT: Did well to get to the Round of 16, but then were the random college basketball team against a blue blood where the latter gets most of the calls (read: inconsistent officiating). In additionto people believing everything Trump touches dies, you have people believing FIFA stands for Fix it For Argentina. N/A

COLOMBIA: Got people believing they could go far in the tournament after topping Group K and beating Ghana, but they could not take advantage of a pro Colombian crowd at BC Place and lost on penalties to a Swiss team that’s slid under the radar. MEH.

So that’s forty of the 48 teams. We will debrief six more before the Final. Happy watching and please use discretion if doing so at your workplace.