The French Confrontation – Teammates Witness Hassli and Le Toux Yelling Match

by Joy Darnley in Philadelphia

Long after most of the home journalists had left PPL Park following Philly Union’s match with Vancouver, raised voices were heard in the visitors’ locker room.

“It was more than the normal remonstrations you hear after a defeat,” said Prost Amerika reporter Joy Darnley, the only reporter there to cover the Whitecaps. “This was really loud and angry stuff. It sounded like they were going to kill each other.”

Darnley however could not identify the subject matter of the dispute at that time as she was walking away from the Caps locker room.

“I had no idea what it was about. As I turned round to go back to eavesdrop, I noticed that the voices were talking French. I could make out ‘salaud,’ ‘vlaminck’ and ‘imbecile.’ I think I heard ‘merde’ but it may have been ‘merdiste,’ ‘merdable’ or ‘tete a merde.'”

Darnley wasn’t allowed back inside and it was only when players started coming out of the locker room that more details emerged.

“Seb and Eric were yelling in French at each other. One minute they were discussing something quietly and then Eric was waving an apple about and then they were shouting and then they were swinging fists. Seb can sure duck quickly,” added one Caps player who didn’t want to be maimed.

“Ask Chiumiento, he understood most of it,” he added.

Eric Hassli had traveled although unavailable for selection. Chiumiento threw some light on the reason for the bust up when Darnley caught up with him at the team hotel.

“It wasn’t about the game at all. Eric wasn’t playing,” he told Darnley. “Eric, he comes from Sarreguemines, not far from Bohain-en-Vermandois.

That is the home of Henri Matisse. Eric is apparently a fan of Matisse and his school of impressionism paintings. He was brought up to think Matisse was the greatest painter of the Flauvist school.”

That Hassli was an art lover came as no surprise to those who know the tempestuous striker. Two of Matisse’s least loved contemporaries though, Raoul Dufy and Georges Braque, come from Normandy as does Seb Le Toux.

“That’s how it started. Seb cares more about chasing tail than art, and had little idea how much Hassli cares about this stuff. He just started needling him that Braque was better.

It seemed good natured until something like Matisse’s work looking like an Amiens goalkeeper kit, which apparently is not a compliment. That was when it really kicked off. Eric went mental.”

The remark referred to a top worn by Amiens goalie Landry Bonnefoi last August in a match against Le Havre, home of Braque and Dufy, which is how Le Toux would have known about it.

Le Havre is in Normandy not far from Rouen.

In Normandy, anything hideous or unsightly is now known as a Bonnefoi.

Hassli didn’t get the joke was in fun, according to Alain Rochat who also speaks French:

“The more Eric got irritated, the funnier Seb thought it was. He has a wicked sense of humour which is probably why he never got on with those Germans in Seattle. Sigi Schmid only apparently laughs at his own jokes.

You know how you only like your own farts, well Schmid’s humour is … actually, that’s a bad analogy as Germans don’t even think that farting is funny come to think of it. I’ve always found that weird. Even babies know farting’s funny,” Rochat digressed philosophically.

“I mean, I thought we Swiss were humourless but these Germans really take the Chüechlistrumpflkuchentorte.”

The bust up between Hassli and Le Toux then apparently spilled out of the realm of French impressionist painting of the Flauvism school according to another eye witness.

By that point, it was being carried on in English, added a despondent Caps Communications Director, Vincent Stoner, who had come down to the bar after a news crisis management meeting at which everybody really missed Paul Barber telling them what to do.

“Then they started insulting each other’s eating habits,” rued Stoner, as he tucked into a late night tuna, baked beans and banana pizza slice.

“That’s pretty insulting stuff in France. They take food as seriously as we take hockey. Seb made this terrible accusation that when the Whitecaps training staff here aren’t watching Eric goes to Bing Bong Burger on Homer Street.

Everyone laughed because Eric can get a little tubby. So Eric felt humiliated and tried to do a joke about Seba and Philly cheese steaks,” Stoner said.

“It was a terrible joke and Eric told it badly. The room went quiet. When nobody laughed, Eric lost it. Lost it completely.

He waved an apple around the locker room and shouted ‘tu manges? tu manges? who wants an apple? who wants an apple?’

It was then that Martin Rennie walked back in. Martin is known for his hatred of apples. Don’t print that. He’s more of an orangeman. Don’t print that either. John Spencer can still get pretty mental about that stuff and we still have to go to Portland.”

Head coach Rennie was not willing to talk about the matter, adding only that now he knew why Teitur Thordarsson’s hair was so gray.

But general manager Bob Lenarduzzi was by then pleasantly conversational and confirmed that the two strikers were not going to play together for Whitecaps again.

“We’re sending Eric to an environment where his dietary problems will not make him a figure of fun in the community. We’ve traded him to Dallas.”