A Guide to Weather in the UK

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50°F
People in Southern England turn on the central heating
People in Edinburgh plant out bedding plants

40°F
Southerners shiver uncontrollably
Glaswegians sunbathe on the beach at Largs

35°F
Cars in the South of England refuse to start
People in Falkirk drive with their windows down

20°F
Southerners wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats
Aberdonian men throw on a t-shirt; girls start wearing mini-skirts

15°F
Southerners begin to evacuate to France
People from Dundee go swimming in the River Tay

0°F
All life in the South grinds to a halt
Inverness folk have the last BBQ before it gets cold

-10°F
Cellular life in the South ceases to exist
People in Dunfermline throw on a light jacket

-80°F
Polar bears wonder if it’s worth carrying on
Boy Scouts in Oban start wearing their long trousers

-100°F
Santa Claus abandons North Pole
People in Stirling put on their ‘long johns’

-173°F
Alcohol freezes
Glaswegians get upset because all the pubs are shut

-297°F
Microbial life starts to disappear
The sheep in Aberdeen complain about farmers with cold hands

-460°F
All atomic motion stops
Shetlanders stamp their feet and blow on their hands

-500°F
Hell freezes over
Scots root for England in the World cup